Escape
by TheNobodyofaSOLDIER
Summary: [Levi x Depressed!Reader] [AU]


It was that time of year when everyone packed the icy streets, viciously shoving each other, swearing at one another, and racing to reach the shelves in all the stores. Santas flocked stood in front of each door, monotonously ringing their bells. Snow fell nearly everyday, keeping you locked in most of the time, and forcing me to work over the phone.

Being a detective, you tended to look at Christmas as a bittersweet holiday. On one side of the coin, you saw it as the sweetest, kindest time of year. Families and friends gathered together to express their love and support for one another. They give and receive. They celebrate and enjoy every festivity this holiday brought. On the other hand, it was the darkest time of year, where the demonic greediness of a person surfaced. If kids didn't get what they wanted, they'd scream and cry. People fight and argue, because of heightened stress. Depression and anxiety seem to weigh heavier on them.

Worse still, criminals did not take Christmas vacation off. Thieves were especially active this time of year. Sometimes, murderers took this time to come up with the most perverted, disgusting killings you had ever seen take place. Rapists often took the time to harass vulnerable, lovesick females.

It was nauseating really. Sometimes, it was harder to focus on the happy, joyful side of Christmas.

For growing up, you always loved Christmas. No matter what ailments came, you could not help but entrance yourself in the sparkling lights, delicious food and beautiful music. But, recently, you both loved and despised it. Because of your job, you had not been sleeping well at all, if ever. If you did sleep, it would be an extremely uncomfortable one, filled with disturbing, horrific nightmares. The cheery decorations of your house in no way reflected the dark chaos inside your head.

"[Name]!" you'd say to myself. "Pull yourself together, damn it!"

Instead of listening to Christmas music and watching Christmas movies, I tended to blast the Beatles, Guns N' Roses, Michael Jackson, David Bowie, or whatever the hell you were in the mood for most of the time. Most genres contained a song to fit your taste, and they tended to make you feel a little better. Since you moved, you missed your family and friends so desperately during this time. It made you all the more excited to see them though. It was just getting through the first part of the holidays that was hard.

At around 7:00 PM, after work, you made your way back home, when freezing rain started to wash your windshield, making it harder to see. Your hands and toes were almost numb as you drove. The Christmas lights around the buildings twisted and distorted through the ice. Things were so bright, you sometimes thought it was lighter during the night than the day. The streets were crowed with cars and people. The honking from all around was beginning to piss you off. The only thing you could was sit back and turn your music up louder.

After another forty five minutes or so, you finally got to your tiny apartment at the other end of town. Your mom left a few messages on your answering machine, asking about Christmas presents and the food you would bring and so on. Erwin's voice soon followed, demanding the reports from your last few cases.

Damn it, you grumbled, slapping your hand on your forehead. You knew you were forgetting something.

"There goes the rest of my evening," you moaned.

One more press of the button, and another voice seeped through the speaker, one that you both loved and dreaded:

"Really? I'm fucking tired of getting your damn machine all the time. Where the hell you've been, [Name]? You didn't really disappear off the face of the earth, did you?"

Beep. "Hey, you brat. Not answering my call? What, are you avoiding me now? Pick up the fucking phone."

Beep. "[Name], seriously. Where are you? Is something going on?"

Your heart sunk: Levi Ackerman, your partner at work, probably the best at his job in the entire damn world, and most importantly, your boyfriend. Usually, when you got down like this, you isolated yourself from others, and he respected that. He knew you needed time alone just like anyone. He never noticed anything unusual.

This time around, he did, and you panicked. What if he came after you? What were you supposed to say? How would he reply? You visualized this scenario in so many different ways, and all of them ended horrifically. You prayed that the answering machine was as far as he got.

Time passed on, and thankfully, you finished the reports-if thankfully meant at 3 AM, then you supposed you were. Barely able to move, you lay here like a slug, as soft music played peacefully in the background. You watched the droplets of sleet hit the window. Your mind drifted to all the murderers you had seen this passing year, all the people who had to suffer this year losing a beloved family member or friend. They must be so miserable right now, knowing the bastards still lived in prison. The impressions of their faces as you explained to these sufferers what was going on would haunt you, their despair, anger, sadness. You bit your nails as the images of the bloodied, disfigured bodies came into the surface of your head, the murderers sneering contently at their deeds even in the face of justice.

Your heart pounded, and your blood ran cold.

Every now and then, drowsiness weighed down your eyelids but your brain was throwing too many memories and disturbances at you. Sometimes, the images in your head made no sense in the least, just shadowy, psychedelic confusion. It had been this way for almost a year now. Little things like colors and shapes would cause the memories and images to come back, even if they had no connection in the least. Happy things would cause intense anxiety, because you were afraid they would start turning into triggers! It was an endless cycle of despair and chaos. Everyone around became suspects to you. Even at home, you didn't' feel safe, unless you locked all the windows, closed the curtains, fastened all the doors, and the checked them all about five times to make sure they were secure. You couldn't sleep in the dark anymore, because your mind constantly played tricks on you. You rolled back and forth on your bed, unable to retain peace of mind.

"Damn it," you moaned, squeezing a tear out of you eye as you finally regained your consciousness.

Everything around you was, untouched, unaltered. Your Christmas tree still sparkled. The quiet music resounded in the little apartment just as before. Piles of laundry wavered like towers on your table.

With an exasperated sigh, you rubbed your forehead. You needed to get out. This enclosed space did nothing for you. In fact, you just made your nerves and emotions feel all the more trapped with no medium of escaping. With a short breath, you half jumped from your sofa, snatched the coat off the rack and nearly slammed the door behind you. You were fed up. Your rituals didn't matter. The concocted fears in the back of your mind didn't matter. Nothing did.

You needed to escape.

You never thought below zero temperatures would be such a welcoming feeling to you: the wind, biting harshly and reddening any exposed skin, the sleet beating the fabric of your hat, the stinging of your frigid nerve endings, the burning encompassing your throat as you breathed.

You enjoyed those discomforts. They reminded you that you were alive. This was the reality your physical form dwelled in, not the chaos and hell you created for yourself.

You strolled the frozen sidewalks, as if every step mattered. Occasionally, you glanced over at the shop windows. The Christmas trees twinkled. The teddy bears, elves and Santas greeted the world with happy smiles, inviting any passerby to join them in the holiday cheer. Garlands and lights strung across doorways and lamp posts, further illuminating the dark, winter night. Cinnamon and gingerbread wafted from every cafe and bakery.

For once, you felt your mind abandon your hell and absorb the cheerful sights around you.

At last, you came across a tall street lamp, eyes drifting across the icy streets, not necessarily waiting for cars. It was too late for anyone to be out, too icy and dangerous. Just a habit that made you feel normal, like any other person. After wrapping your coat around you even tighter, you continued your aimless journey.

"[Name.]"

You didn't even pass one white square before you stopped. Why? Why here? Why now? Was your luck really this rotten? Immediately, without even raising your head, you turned a hall.

A strong hand grabbed your wrist. "What the fuck is this, [Name]?"

"Levi-"

How long had he been waiting at the other side of the street? He was concealed in the darkness of the night and the umbrella to protect him from the sleet like a shadow always following you. You hadn't seen him in seemingly ages, so it startled you to face his steely, intimidating eyes, nearly stabbing you at the other end.

Before you could even compose a sentence, he whipped you around and forced you to face him. He looked angry. Then again, he always pissed about something, but his brows furrowed, and his feline eyes narrowed, intensifying that anger.

"Where have you been?" he demanded, his grip tightening. "You don't call. You don't come to work. You don't reply to any messages?" he raised an eyebrow. "You too good for me now?"

"No! Don't even suggest that!" you couldn't keep eye contact with him.

"Then, you mind explaining yourself?" he took your chin and pulled you back.

You lowered your eyes. No matter how many times you pondered this scenario, the thousands of time of moments you wasted visualizing and replaying, you weren't prepared for this.

I'm depressed? I'm insane? I'm in the process of losing my mind? You had no idea what to say.

Instead, you hung your head.

He stared at you, long and hard. He could be a hardass, maybe even a jerk at times, but he wasn't stupid. He saw the circles under your eyes, the white orbs swollen with red, the loss of color in your cheeks, your slumped shoulders. He knew you were struggling. He knew you were fighting. But, that was what made him so furious.

Why didn't you say anything?

"Levi," you muttered. "I've just been in a bad place. I don't know why or how. I don't know, but it's just been," suddenly, your throat constricted, and your eyes burned. "Ah, shit..."

With a sharp exhale, he removed the free hand from his coat pocket and flicked your forehead. "I know that, you idiot. That's why I'm pissed. Why the fuck didn't you say anything?"

His words hurt harder than the freezing wind. "I thought maybe I could work it out on my own. But-"

"Don't you think after a few months you should've taken the hint that you needed help?"

You nervously scratched the side of your face. "I didn't want to bother-"

He roughly grabbed your cheeks. "Don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare go there."

Your heart nearly burst, but you couldn't tell if it was from fear, sadness or guilt. His eyes were flaring, and his breath came in hot against your nearly numb face. However, he suddenly closed the space between you, his dry, chapped lips desperately claiming yours.

Damn, you missed this, his scent, his warmth, his hard kisses, the way he snagged the back of your head to yank you to his mouth. Until your reunion, you didn't realize the hole you tore in your life, segregating yourself from him. His movements over your lips weren't as skillful or sensual as they were in more intimate situations, but you didn't care. You were just happy even relieved to have him back in your arms.

Using every last breath he possessed, Levi pulled away with a long exhale. His hand still gripped a fistful of your hair, the other holding his umbrella a little higher for you. His expression softened a little, watching for your reaction.

With a weak smile, you slid your fingers through his dampened locks.

"Your lips are really chapped," you said with a tired chuckle.

He simply rolled his eyes. "It's winter. Whaddya expect?"

Snaking your arms around his neck, you pulled him as close as humanly possible. Grunting in approval, he pressed his hand into the small of your back.

"How long were you out here?" you asked. "Three in the morning? That's kinda creepy."

He shrugged his shoulders. "You should know better than anyone what an insomniac I am."

You giggled. Before you could make another comment, he stole another quick peck from your lips.

"Don't ever cut me off again," he whispered against your mouth. "I missed you like hell."

You swallowed a lump forming in your throat. "I'm so sorry, Levi. It won't happen again."

Causing you to yelp, he flicked your temple. "You better not, bitch."

"Wow, way to ruin the moment," you groaned, clicking your tongue.

Without another word, Levi slid his hand around and clutched your red and raw hand, as if letting go would cost him his life. He adjusted his umbrella high enough to conceal your head from the beating of the ice crystals. Your arms entwined, and your fingers laced as if sown together. He gazed forward, leading the way down the frosted streets.

You meant it. Even if his touch wasn't the magical button to make all your horrible thoughts and feelings disappear, it certainly eased the pain. Despite his rough nature, he possessed the tolerance to guide you through your darkness until you saw a ray of light again.

He was your escape.


End file.
